4.36 PM, March 10th I received a phone-call where some strange woman’s voice told me; You’re going to live in India. For a year.
I’d just been confirmed sane and capable from all necessary sources, and the so called contract with YFU India had been signed. It is definite. I am definitely getting on a plane in August, saying goodbye to Ålesund, Norway, Europe and my cat for an entire year. It’s starting to prove itself harder to believe than I imagined.
Like reading a book
it feels like I’m observing somebody else’s life from a distance. But a close distance, pretty much like reading one of those books where the main character gets stripped of so many layers that you feel like you can look straight at the source of their internal “settings”. Their most inner self. Even the shakiest, little thought-wave that hides in the darkest, most dead-angled corner of the authors mind gets dragged out of its safety and splattered onto the paper and melts together with the main character.
“Currently beyond. Dangling her feet from an airplane. All of her life’s values, all details; onboard. Every suitcase on the plane is hers, carefully packed. Packed with every aspect and memory. Clouds gently tickling her toes. All engines have suffered a sudden, unreasonable death, and her plane is falling in what feels like supernatural slowness. Diving in air, in a slow paste towards a hungry, gaping ocean that she ‘cause of her relatively complete lack of geographical knowledge, doesn’t know the name of. Sometimes she feels like a bird. But; we aren’t birds, and that means she’ll probably need a parachute to get out of this. The plane is to be worried about on a later occasion…”
And soon, probably sooner than I am realizing – I will be separated from all the circumstances; the people, the streets, the smells and the overfed cats. The union of well-known faces, happenings and repetitive actions that is my daily life.
Unbelievable
But, that’s not the scariest part. There’s also this energetic lump of expectations longing to bloom. I just haven’t gotten myself to feed it yet, since I still have doubt that this is even going to happen at all. I keep thinking that some sort of complication is going to pop out of somewhere, like a tiny but meaningful detail in my application that they didn’t spot when they, in what seemed like a hurry, evaluated me.
I’m much more afraid of losing control of this lump and letting it grow into a gigantic, fragile target to the stab of disappointment, than I am of entering this dramatic, life-changing future that has been put on a plate before me.
I don’t think I actually dare truly believe or expect anything about this until I am actually in a non-metaphorical, non-dreaming way in an airplane flying towards India.
The reason that I’m not fully able to accept and take in the news yet, is that everything is so far ahead of me on the line of time that I’m balancing on. If I squint my eyes to the verge of headaches, I can see something strange far ahead in the horizon, but I have no chance at seeing it’s shape.
They haven’t started searching for a host family for me to live with, nor a school. I’ve only recently been accepted, so I have to fill out a new bunch of forms that will be sent to the Indian YFU so they can start searching for the two important factors; Host family and a school.
From the 1, 1 billion people that populate India, there ought to be some place “for me”.
Still, there’s an evil creature made of a tiny opportunity living and growing in my chest. He is the opportunity that they won’t be able to find any suitable families or schools. He lies in my chest and repeats to me how he can see that I am exactly the kind of person with the kind of lousy luck that will make him win.
On the optimistic side; I consider most evil creatures liars.
So, it seems like I’m going to India.
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